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'It's nice having a phone that doesn't understand time zones'

Whining about jet lag, and bigging up the All-Stars

Alex Bowden

13-Nov-2015

Alviro Petersen's been on his travels.

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Wait for it…

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'Everybody wants the cheese, but they're not prepared to get stuck in the trap'

You've got to fight for your right to dairy. Plus other delights

Alex Bowden

30-Oct-2015

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You're assuming Bresnan didn't receive the visit and that this in itself is evidence that he will never own a time machine. Then again, maybe he did receive the visit and simply ignored his own advice.

But whether it was lack of warning or ignoring his own future self's good advice, no one should live with regrets. Move forwards. Life's all about seizing the moment/cheese.

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Ian Bell's midsummer nightmare

A day in the life of a classical England batsman

Alan Tyers

31-Jul-2015

This article is a work of fiction

Ian Bell woke up. Elegantly, gracefully, like a piece of ginger gossamer borne on a mistral of pleasant air that was neither too warm nor too chilly, he eased from the back-foot embrace of dream via the forward press of wakefulness to purr through the extra-cover region of daylight's delight.

He threw off the duvet cover, its Egyptian cotton cover encasing, although not too tightly, an official ECB high tog value quilt that had been specifically selected under the Marginal Gains (Bedding) Programme, which was just one of the fringe benefits of England cricket's association with Waitrose and sister store John Lewis to provide the exact blend of warmth, comfort and absorbency for the modern England middle-order batsman.

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NASA discovers new planet for cricket

Introducing KeplerWessels-452b

James Marsh

27-Jul-2015

There was excitement today as the sporting and scientific worlds collided like lovestruck asteroids when NASA announced they had discovered an "earthlike planet capable of supporting cricket".

The sphere, pre-supplied with oxygen, water and wifi, was additionally found to have large swathes of land covered in a bizarre green substance resembling that which used to be found on English Test pitches. The exact nature of this tufty growth has mystified scientists, as well as Lord's chief groundsman Mick Hunt, but some bods at mission control are already starting to label it ''grass".

The new planet, which after intense lobbying from Cricket South Africa the space agency have agreed to call KeplerWessels-452b, also has its fair share of dusty wastelands and rocky straits, news that has particularly pleased R Ashwin and Mitchell Johnson respectively.

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List of things Indian commentators can't say expanded

And why Simon Harmer is okay with not being a fast bowler

R Rajkumar

25-Jul-2015

This article is a work of fiction

Indian umpires to be given crash course in English
The BCCI is pairing up with the British Council to help boost the ability of Indian umpires to comprehend English, according to a report. In an attempt to improve their eligibility at the highest level, umpires will be given a ten-day crash course in a number of important language skills. Among these:

- Recognising the many subtle differences in tone, pitch, and pronunciation that go into the word **** as used in different parts of the world.

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'When did someone transport the Nagpur wicket to Lord's?'

A large helping of the Ashes, a drizzle of innuendo, and the usual topping of airline-related chit chat in the Twitter round-up

Alex Bowden

24-Jul-2015

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That was after the first Test, but wise England fans didn't commit to an answer.

This was wise, because despite excellent preparations…

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TV review: new sitcom, Dharma and Watto

Ace Australian allrounder and top umpire provide a barrelful of laughs - or not

Alan Tyers

20-Jul-2015

This article is a work of fiction

It looks like being the breakout hit of the summer - the odd-couple comedy starring Umpire Kumar Dharmasena and former Australia Test cricketer Shane Watson.

Dharma is a happy-go-lucky Elite Panel umpire, while Watto is a nervous allrounder who suffers from terrible decision-making and a fear of the paranormal.

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Srinivasan to buy the Olympics

ICC chief to use money gained from sale of Chennai Super Kings for the purpose

James Marsh

17-Jul-2015

This article is a work of fiction

Following the news he will have to sell Chennai Super Kings to allow the franchise to stay in the IPL, India Cements owner and benevolent overlord of world cricket N Srinivasan today announced he would use the money to "buy the Olympics". With pressure mounting for cricket to be included in the games after the recommendation of the MCC World Cricket Committee coupled with Srinivasan's domestic influence being further diminished by the Lodha committee's findings, the ICC chairman is looking increasingly powerless, a situation described by Giles Clarke as "heartbreaking" and everybody else as "really super".

The Chennai monolith has therefore moved to firm up his position by purchasing the Olympics for "$50 billion plus a signed thigh pad from Ravi Jadeja". The International Olympic Committee is said to be seriously considering the offer, though it is believed to also want a pair of Ashish Nehra's socks thrown in for good measure.

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Irfan encouraged to low-five

Also: Uthappa's existential doubts, Prasad's commentary return, and more

R Rajkumar

13-Jul-2015

This article is a work of fiction

Tennis players try to make sense of cricket
For a brief window of about a week or so every summer, when the culminating stages of the Wimbledon tennis season overlaps with the start of English cricket's own main event, there occurs a unique, if unsettling phenomenon: visiting tennis players and their unsuspecting fans are exposed, while innocently flipping through the channels on their hotel TVs, to a strange spectacle they don't quite know what to make of: Test cricket.

Some of these innocents, vaguely troubled by what they see, immediately change the channel, whereas others can't help but stare, transfixed with horror and yet unable to look away. What exactly goes through their minds? What sense do they make of what they see? This reporter took to the streets of SW1 to find out.

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'Either England or Australia'

Piercing Ashes predictions, travel-related gripes, a new paperboy, and a conspicuous absence of fried chicken

Alex Bowden