The Surfer

"We are the bar now," says Rayner. "It's not about who won back-to-back titles before us [Yorkshire] - we are the holders and the target. People have not backed us in recent years - despite being a big club at Lord's - and that has worked in our favour. But now we won't be taken lightly. The trick is to be unaffected by the pressures of that.

He sits fourth on New Zealand's first-class wicket-taking list behind Sir Richard Hadlee (1490), Clarrie Grimmett (1424) and Syd Smith (955).

The colour of a wicket can be a little misleading. Johnson begins a lengthy explanation of evapotranspiration, which is, essentially, the sun drawing moisture out of the ground through the leaf of the plant. This is what can a wicket its green appearance. There are ways you can prevent this process by "bruising" the grass but to steal from Newton's Third law, for every action there is an equal reaction.

When I stopped, I didn't quite realize the impact that would have had in my life had I carried on for few more years. I had another come back in 1999. But I only bowled 11 balls in that game. I knew at that point that it was over. I wasn't even 30 yet. It was great, but it was only a small impact - a powerful burst of speed in Sri Lanka. I believe I could have given more, but that's life. Eventually when you come to terms with life you move on. Now I have made other choices. I have got another part of my life now. I am now in the business world. I knew I couldn't be the best coach, I knew I couldn't be the best commentator. So I was able to say let's move on. It was tough coming to grips because you get so much recognition, but then you move on.

In the past few weeks, three recent South Africa internationals have signed Kolpak deals. Simon Harmer has joined Essex, Stiaan van Zyl has joined Sussex, and Hardus Viljoen has headed to Derbyshire. All three have played Test cricket for South Africa in the previous 12 months, and all three have decided to give up their international careers for the duration of their contracts. Dane Piedt and at least one other current Test player are also said to be seeking Kolpak deals. This is likely to be the last great gust, a final flurry of Kolpak signings before Brexit comes into effect, and the route into English cricket through EU legislation is cut off by the Home Office.

"I clearly remember after a World T20 game in Mohali against Australia this year. I felt people were reacting in a different way towards me, they looked at me as if I was walking in a circular light or something.

All this over a mint. Perhaps it's about whipping up interest in the third Test, so a disaffected public will switch on to the day-night showpiece despite the series being decided. But the nature of South Africa's on-field achievements is where the attention should be, and to suggest a bit of sugar takes the shine off them is way too fresh. Three winning tours to Australia in a row is among the rarest of feats, and the touring side remains 2-0 in front, with the chance to deliver the first visiting whitewash on these shores. They may well suggest the detractors suck on that.

How did it come to this?

There are few, if any, policies, guidelines, behavioural codes or punishments for displaying the coping mechanisms of a spoiled five year old who hasn't learnt to share; unless of course you aren't performing, or injured, then you can't sneeze down wind of the coach without getting a written warning.

However, the play will also reflect the first and most important fact about Colin Milburn: that he was an absolutely fantastic cricketer. In an era when sixes had not been cheapened by repetition, he hit them regularly. He did not need a heavy bat: he was the heavy, about 19st of him at peak. He was not big-boned or bulked-up - he was fat. But he was not a novelty turn. His technique was fundamentally correct, when he put his mind to it. However, when he decided a ball wanted hitting, it stayed hit.