Here, take these year-end awards and be done with it

When will the year-end wrap-ups stop already?

Won't the ICC reveal its teams of the year soon? Won't this website hand out its annual awards, so people on Instagram and Twitter (currently X) can outrage over all of it? It's way too much. Haven't the rest of us watched enough cricket in 2023 to deserve not being talked down to by cricket journalists and pundits?

Anyway, here's the Briefing + Light Roller's year-end prize-giving.

Team of the Year - India Men
So okay, they didn't win the Test Championship final at The Oval. And yes, they didn't quite seal the deal with the ODI World Cup in Ahmedabad, and have, in fact, won zero global tournaments since 2013.

But are these really the numbers that matter? Because it occurs to us that in 2023, no team commanded the kinds of broadcast revenues that brought so much wealth to so many corporate suits. It occurs to us that no team sold as many SUVs, drove more internet traffic, or prompted the ICC to bend over backwards to accommodate them as much.

If you are still a cynic, perhaps that's because you are beyond saving. The rest of us will think of all the hyper-rich 12-year-olds who can now laze in their giant swimming pool in their summer vacation house, as well as in the jacuzzi of their winter resort. We will break into a smile thinking of the million-dollar crypto purchases that were made possible. And we will have our sentimental little hearts warmed by the knowledge that so many hangers-on will now have the basic dignity of being flown in private jets to Dubai, rather than on commercial flights, because dammit, isn't this what sport is all about?

Hyperwoke Snowflake of the Year - Pat Cummins
In October, Pat Cummins won Athlete of the Year at the BBC's Green Sport Awards, partly, you suspect, for his throwing shade at a sponsor believed to be a serious greenhouse gas emitter. Come on, Pat. Are we really playing this game? How can you raise objections against polluters in a manner consistent with your values when you have not yet moved to the jungle to live as a loincloth-wearing hermit? Maybe focus on the cricket and try to win a trophy next year.

ICC Award for Unacceptable Public Message
"All lives are equal."

No place for that nonsense in this great sport. You show 'em, ICC.

Moral High Ground / Saving Humanity Award - England
There were serious candidates for this. Angelo Mathews roared down from what he felt was a moral Burj Khalifa when he accused Bangladesh of being the only team who would appeal for a "timed-out" dismissal. New Zealand, as usual, tried their usual thing of being better than everyone by not outwardly appearing like they're better than everyone.

And yet England, historic claimants of cricketing and all other moral high grounds, have again run an impeccable campaign. The obvious high point was their astonishing outrage over the stumping of Jonny Bairstow by Alex Carey.

But England, their souls ever summoned by the greatest of causes, have also unilaterally decided that Test cricket needed saviours, and that only they could step into the breach their own board had helped create. Teams other than England, Australia and India continued to see a decline in the number of three-Test series they play in a two-year cycle. What is this, though, compared to Ben Stokes, Jonny Bairstow, Zak Crawley and the fellas absolutely thumping the daylights out of every ball they come across, the madlads.

The DGAF Award - Shakib Al Hasan
Another tightly contested category, from Carey's risky bit of Ashes Bair-baiting to the completely-reasonable-and-100%-ICC-endorsed decision by the BCCI to change the pitch used for the World Cup semi-final. But way out in front in the cold-blooded stakes was Shakib, as Mathews (see above) tarried for fateful seconds over the clasp on his helmet strap. With a barely perceptible murmur and a nod of the head, Bangladesh's controversy-friendly captain pulled the pin on a mode of dismissal never before seen in international cricket - and all for the greater glory of finishing eighth on the table and bumping out Sri Lanka for a spot at the 2025 Champions Trophy.

Post World Cup Meltdown Award - Sri Lanka Cricket
The PCB set the bar high by firing coaches, and even briefly appointing the defrocked Salman Butt as a selector. But there's no dethroning the new big dogs of cricket incompetence.

SLC not only had themselves briefly fired by the country's sports minister as the culmination of a year-long standoff with said minister, they requested their own suspension from the ICC, which ended up losing them hosting rights of the men's Under-19 World Cup next year. Essentially, they took aim at their own feet and managed to shoot themselves through the unmentionables.

Disrespect for Umpiring Award - Harmanpreet Kaur
The ICC had its Spirit of Cricket Award for years. We want to go on record saying this is just as meaningless.

Harmanpreet was given out caught at slip off a bat-pad, but smashed her stumps in displeasure at that dismissal. And then when India and Bangladesh shared the series trophy at the presentation, in a fit of genius passive-aggression she invited the umpires - who were Bangladeshi - to be part of the photograph as well, insinuating they should also take credit for the result.

- Pat Cummins asks that commentators never use "she's a beauty" when describing his great deliveries, and instead say "they/them are a beauty".

- ICC comes down hard on player for publicly taking controversial "stop axe murders" stance.