Australia's crash course in crisis management

It was Australia's Daily Telegraph newspaper that, inadvertently, expressed it best. "What's worse than a whingeing Englishman?" fumed a banner headline on the back page of Wednesday's edition. "Gloating Pommies," came the block capital answer. "One day we'll lose the Ashes," the piece continued, "and it will be as horrific as waking up after a night on the drink in a room full of images of Camilla Parker Bowles." Yikes. They must be getting worried.

What an extraordinary turn of events. If red-top exposure is the barometer of sporting health, then English cricket has never been ruder. In years gone by, entire summers could pass with barely a glimpse of flannelled foolery on the back pages of the tabloids. Now, however, a succession of incredible stories are queuing up for inclusion. One day, you get Australia slumping to 31 for 7 in a "meaningless" match against England (an oxymoron if ever I heard one); the next, it's Belinda Dennett, the team's press officer, witnessing an army of ghouls outside her bedroom window.

Or how about the tale of Andrew Symonds turning up pissed at Cardiff after a night on the tiles? Or the sight of the Australian team having to wade through the crowds at Bristol after turning down a police escort and ending up at the wrong gate? And if the failure to defend a total of 341 against Somerset can be written off as an anomaly, then there can be no such excuse about the greatest humiliation of the lot. "Yeah, but you lost to Bangladesh!" could become the eternal rejoinder when normality is eventually resumed and the gloating rights return Down Under.

There are still five weeks until the first Test and three months until the last, so Australia have plenty time to regroup and retain the Ashes. If they do, however, they will have done no more than was expected of them, and that is a problem that the entire squad must face for the remainder of the tour. England have expectations for sure - and they are growing by the match - but for them, it is rather a refreshing turn of events, given the depths that previous Ashes squads have plumbed. How much worse it must be to be in the Aussies' shoes. Little wonder there have been one or two nightmares doing the rounds of late.

The press and public are pre-programmed to get carried away on the team's behalf, but within the bubble of the England dressing-room, it will be business as normal until September 12. Michael Vaughan confirmed this by offering "no comment" last week when the news of Bangladesh's victory filtered through from Cardiff. He saw no need to pour fuel on a fire that was already raging, and in many ways his silence was all the more eloquent for the self-certainty it projected.

The England team bond has been shamelessly modelled on the post-1989 Australian version, with its all-for-one-and-one-for-all mateyness, and there are growing signs that it might have surpassed itself in terms of imitation. The ease that Jon Lewis and Chris Tremlett have shown on the big stage this summer can be attributed to an unfeasibly chilled-out dressing-room environment. The heat under the collar has been confined exclusively to Australia's dressing-room.

Or should that be, the loose alliance of Antipodeans who will be spending at least part of their summer in the same dressing-room. They are not so much living in the bubble, it's more like a foam party. Take Shane Warne for instance. His wraith-like presence cannot be helping matters in the slightest. He has recently thrown in his lot with his native Victoria and moved his entire family to Southampton, but Australia might be forgiven if they thought he had swapped his passport in the process.

It's been largely inadvertent, but everything Warne has done since Australia's arrival has been to the detriment of his national team-mates. He was at the helm as Hampshire were reduced to 14 for 6 in their one-day warm-up match against England; his latest sex scandal has caused yet more brickbats to rain down on a squad that he has not yet joined, and all the while that Australia have been crying out for his inspiration in the field, he has been doing the pantomime season, Ian Botham-style, with charity appearances left, right and centre. And as if that's not enough, you can bet he was on the blower to his new best mate, Kevin Pietersen, within minutes of that match-seizing onslaught at Bristol.

Australians may be up in arms about the sudden bout of amnesia that has afflicted the old country. But while they have 18 years of Ashes success under their belt, England has something far more pertinent from which to draw strength - 18 years of humiliation. Take 1989 for instance, or 1990-91, or 1993 ... 2002-03 (and a succession of England captains would want you to take them as far away as possible). Each new debacle developed new ways for hope and expectation to go flying out of the window.

England have spent two decades demonstrating that, when it comes to Ashes tours, there is no such thing as crisis management. Australia have five weeks to buck that trend and prove, once and for all, that class always wins in the end. "Is that all you've got, Sheilas?", was the provocative statement in The Sun that finally got the Daily Telegraph's goat this week. The answer, without doubt, is no. But whether they can extract that missing something from the rubble that has already gathered will be the defining issue of the series.