When Sachin and the Rest play

"It's just a huge honour to play alongside a legend of the game like Chris Read," says Sachin - five points

Shaun Tait looks pretty rapid - one point

Shaun's radar needs a bit of an adjustment - four wides

English journalists try to get Saeed Ajmal thrown out of the match for "chucking" - one point

Australian journalists also miss the point by trying to get Murali's action tested - two points (double-jointed)

"A chance to see Shiv Chanderpaul bat" rated amongst least likely fan responses to the question "Why are you here?" - one point

Shane Warne comments: "Sure, the MCC side might be getting on a bit, but at least they're not carrying that liability Alastair Cook" - five points

Pavilion collapses under combined weight of KP, Shane and Shahid's egos - ten points

Indian fans declare excitement over chance to see Sachin "and 21 other guys whose names escape me" - one point per player you can name other than Sachin

Paul Collingwood lights up the occasion with a nuggety 20 and tidy non-fer - ten points

Brian Lara just glad not to have too many West Indians in his side - five points

Virender Sehwag is in the shape of his life - two points

Late move to replace Shahid Afridi with Luis Suarez after Shahid is banned for biting the ball - five points

Peter Siddle displays awesome competitiveness, never-say-die attitude, array of vegetarian snacks - five points

Aaron Finch slightly confused as to why he's in, and who all these old blokes are - ten points

Adam Gilchrist says something statesmanlike - five points

Shahid Afridi doesn't - ten points

ECB bans Tamim Iqbal from England cricket after he is seen fraternising with KP - two points

Rahul and Shiv bedding in for the long haul - one point per run, bonus for red-inker

Yuvraj Singh unplayable after lunch. A very large lunch - one point (and extra helpings)

Crowd disappointed when promised pyrotechnics from Boom Boom fail to materialise - one point

Dan Vettori still looks about 14 - one point

Late ICC move to have all future cricket matches contested between just these two sides - five points