Back from the dark side

DANNY WEIDLER: At 34 you're still young enough to be out there. How much are you missing playing? MICHAEL SLATER: There were a couple of moments on the recent tour of India, particularly in the first Test when I thought I'd like to be out there. The whole buzz of playing in India ... and I thought a few times if things had worked out better in my career then I could still be out there. At the same time I'm content where I'm at. There is an adjustment period. I've had since late 2001 to get used to not being a player at the top level. I'm okay with it. I still think if I picked up a bat and did some intense practice I could still cut it out there. I don't think it would take much to play first-class, but my feeling on retirement is that once you are retired that is it.

DW: So we won't see a comeback? MS: There is a chance I may play a grade game, just to test the water, but I've see too many players come back and be angry players and that is not good for anyone. Retirement is such a full-on decision, but it was probably made easier for me by my illness.

DW: Not everyone is aware of your illness. Can you tell us about it? MS: I got reactive arthritis about this time last year. I did not know that it existed. What I had suffered from was a condition called Ankylosing Spondylitis. Michael Atherton suffered from it as well. It is an inflammatory disorder. It is a genetic disorder and was triggered for me by the bike accident I had at the Cricket Academy when I was 19 or 20. I suffered from it through my career. In my early 20s it looked like I'd struggle to pursue my career. There was a season when I was starting off when I could not turn my head to face the bowler. It would get hot in spots. The disease tries to fuse your spine together. You get really hot. Struggle to sleep. I'd train morning and night to try and keep it at bay and that helped a lot with my fitness. It can be a disorder that burns itself out and it comes in bursts. I nearly pulled out of the 1993 Ashes tour and the 1997 Ashes tour, but I never missed a Test. If I was struggling to get over it I'd use a steroid based cream to ease the pain when I couldn't run, bend, get up in the morning and that always worked. It required a hell of a lot of energy to get through it. I thought I'd seen the last of it and came off the medication which I was on in my 20s and then I got a viral infection.

DW: So how did it force you to quit? MS: It was during a game against South Australia and I felt like someone had punched me in both sides of my kidneys. I was out of sorts. I got fluid in my joints. I just got worse and worse and was straight into the rheumatology ward. I'd trained really hard leading into the season and I thought I'd have a chance to make it back into the Australian side, but as it turned out I ran myself into the ground and I got the reactive arthritis and I was in a wheelchair just prior to Christmas. It was full on. Until that happens you take things for granted, like walking. I was sitting on my balcony at Bondi watching people run and walk and thinking how lucky are they.

DW: Did that lead to the depression you suffered? MS: There is a strong correlation between arthritis and depression. You are in pain and struggling to do things. I went down. I went down into a big pit for quite a while.

DW: What did you do with yourself? MS: My days were nothing. I'd lie there with books ... there was a lot of thinking of doing things and not much doing. I was lonely. I couldn't get out of my unit because of the stairs. That's why I was hospitalised because I couldn't function. In late 2001 it was all really heavy and there was an interesting transition that was forced upon me. This was another one. I wanted to give cricket a real good shake and I knew that I was sitting there in this space and I knew that it was going to be the end and I was not ready to leave it.

DW: Were you feeling sorry for yourself or was it genuine depression? MS: That's a hard one for me to go into. It's still pretty fresh. It certainly wasn't feeling sorry for myself. I've had enough set backs in my career and having to work so hard with this illness. I think I had an inner strength which allowed me to fight through the tough times. It wasn't a case of me thinking woe is me. It was a case of being in a spot and not knowing how to get out of it.

DW: What happened with the break-up with your wife Stephanie, your childhood sweetheart? MS: I've never gone into it in depth and I won't today. I will say it was bloody hard. Anyone knows that. It was the most traumatic thing that has happened to either of us. It was a combination of the cricketing lifestyle, different individuals, my personality ... at the end of the day being a cricketer is an unreal world and you are living in an unreal lifestyle. There is no other sport which takes you away from your family like it does. It is still a big shock to me to be sitting here today and being a divorced man. It was and will remain the hardest time of my life. We are on good terms now. We respect each other. Steph is an awesome person and I hope she thinks that I am OK. It's a thing that happened in the journey of life.

DW: What kind of support did you get? MS: It was hard for my family. I was away in India when it was going down and then I was in England. They tried as much as they could. They were hearing things and reading things. They did not know where I was at. I was apparently a drug addict. I was this and that. It was going around that I was taking drugs and that is something I've never stood for and will never stand for. A lot of it was coming from in-house and it was the most hurtful stuff. If you only knew. There was so much that was coming from in-house and close to me. There was a lot of in-house stuff. In terms of support ... I was a little bit hard to handle. Not that I was blowing up at everyone. I'd made a big decision in my life. It wasn't spur of the moment. I felt it was the best thing for me as an individual. I underestimated the impact of it. I thought people may have tried to understand. Asked me questions. There were not enough questions asked from my team-mates. Not that I expected them to do it, but when I think back now. The whole scenario could have been different.

DW: The word out of the team was that you'd lost the plot. MS: That's what people were saying. The outburst in India ... I was going through a tough time and that was just a bubble bursting. It was about me being questioned off the field and then I had my credibility questioned on the field. What that represented to me is that my integrity was questioned as a cricketer. The actions and how it looked ... it looked terrible, it is regrettable. But it was going to come out at some stage. I was trying to soldier on as an Australian cricketer in a delicate environment. There are a lot of egos in that team. There are great guys, but it is a delicate world. You've got to be toeing the line and there is no place for being too much of an individual. I believe you can be an individual in a team and be a team player. There are a couple of others in that side who can get away with more than others. That time in India ... I had a severe lack of support.

DW: Watching you interview members of the current side, it appears you have a good rapport with them. MS: At the end of the day, I don't care how people look at that period. The ones who were close to it know what was happening. I know why I behaved like that. There is a genuine moving on. Some of the players I played with, there is a genuine rapport. I'm comfortable with these guys and it is genuine.

DW: What about you and Steve Waugh, there are rumours you don't get on. MS: You'll have to read the book mate. You are getting too much. You have to understand you have different personalities in the side, some of them with different agendas. We all have different ways of dealing with stuff and with Steve and I ... Tubby was the best captain for me personally. Apart from the obvious that he was a good player, he was a great person and a great communicator. He would sit down and talk and I've always needed that. Even when things were good for me ... I've always struggled with insecurities. Tugger just wasn't a natural person with communication and that wasn't the best thing for me.

DW: What about the untrue rumour, put on a cricket website, that you were the father of Adam Gilchrist's child. MS: That was the worst thing. That was almost the end for me. I threw my hands in the air and said "what can I do?" It was on a cricket site in England. That was the sickest thing I have ever read and it tarnished our friendship forever. We all know there was nothing in it, but so many people read it. Now there is this unsaid something between us. It hurt everyone. Gilly had to deal with signs up in South Africa. Some time later, NSW v Queensland, some idiot in the stand was yelling out. We sued over it and we got good money, but once again my reputation was smashed. It got to the point that I had to answer stuff from my family. When they brought it up I stormed out of the family function.

DW: Did you come along as a player 10 years too early? It would appear a player of your mould would be better accepted now. MS: Yeah. It won't be long before we will see Michael Clarke in a Ferrari. He is a car lover, like I was. It will get a bit more USA. Australians may always struggle with that. My affection for cars ... well what is wrong with that? Why curb that or be conservative? Maybe the era was wrong, but it doesn't worry me. I had a bank account for many years, the Ferrari account I always called it. Prior to that I had other sports cars. I love to drive. I go out to the race track now and I've got my CAMS licence and I'd like to get into motor racing, but I don't know how to get in. It's been a passion of mine. The timing when I bought my Ferrari was probably why it got the reaction. But Steph and I got it when we bought the house at Queens Park (Sydney) because we paid a record price. Team-mates came up to me and questioned it. Then I remember getting out in a state game and one of the players came up to me and said, "that won't help you pay off your house, will it?" Dirk Wellham was in the commentary box and he said it must be the pressure of having to pay off that house. So in that sense maybe it was the wrong era.

DW: The first time you kissed the coat of arms on the Australian helmet, was that spontaneous? MS: After that it became my thing. The emotion I always played with. I was just so happy and then "oh bang". I'm glad I did it. If I started a trend I think it is a good one.

DW: What was your greatest innings? MS: My highlight innings will always be my 152 at Lord's. My initial hundred. Apart from the first 15 runs it was one of my more faultless innings. My first four years of my career I think I was technically my most sound. It started to loosen because I was trying to come to terms with one-day cricket.

DW: I read a stat which said you scored 90 or more in one in five innings for Australia. MS: There was a consistency there for sure. If I got off to a good start I could keep going. The nineties ... three of the nine was the emotion getting to me. I find it hard to fathom. If I had a team focus I would have got more hundreds. I batted a certain way to 90 and then everything would change, but that is part and parcel of me and what made me the player I was.

DW: Watching Michael Clarke play must take you back? MS: I think I can see a bit of me in his emotion. It scares me a bit. The first few years I rode a crest of a wave and I can see a similar energy and emotion the way he goes about things. Technically we are different, but the core is the same and I can genuinely see he is living out his dream and it is a dream come true. And that's how it was for me.